Within Me

There is a place inside which grounds me. A hidden smile. A part that attaches to anything and everything positive. Kind of like a magnet I guess, but one which is not limited and is all-seeing. Even through what outwardly looks like tar, it attaches to the brightness and goodness hidden within and pulls it out for me, automatically.

Sometimes it works slowly over time, and other times it works in small increments of time, snippet mode I call it. Snippet mode happens when too much is happening and my coping skills are at their limit. It pulls me through moments, secure in the knowledge that I have come through that moment and am still fine, so now I only need face the next moment. There is no long-term thought process here. That way I don’t lose myself in the thought of a hundred or thousand more moments to come. I am concentrated on just the one I am in.

The slow mode is the one that allows hindsight and future to enter the equation. It’s the most fun for me. I can be in a moment, basking in the goodness and see how life has led to this point and see all the possibilities ahead too. This one makes my mind run 100 miles per hour and makes my heart swell to almost bursting. Ideas are generated here. Decisions are made. Life takes on new direction and a new adventure awaits me.

My hidden smile is the sprite inside which lights my desire to live and be a part of life. That smile, though darkness descends, remains firm. It does not always show on the outside but assures me when I am having trouble seeing it,

that hope is there for me. Giving up is not an option because it would be a waste of me. And I don’t waste anything.

#depression #wastenotwantnot



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© 2016-2020 by Janine Clark-Barry